


On fire

by thatsmistertoyou



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alcohol, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Companion Piece, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Second Person, Sexuality Crisis, these tags are a mess im sorry this is hard to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3822982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmistertoyou/pseuds/thatsmistertoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“That’s something a gaylord would say,” Chris says, snorting as though it’s supposed to be a joke.</p><p>“That’s something an arsehole would say,” you retort. Chris is silent for a few moments, chewing contemplatively.</p><p>“Would you make out with me if I asked?”</p><p>“Oh my god,” you groan. His projection is getting all over you, and it’s getting annoying. The mental image that paints in your mind is probably exceedingly homosexual, but he doesn’t need to know that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On fire

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [some boys](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/111523) by plantboylester. 



> Unofficial companion piece to nate plantboylester’s some boys (http://plantboylester.tumblr.com/post/117163876852/fic-some-boys) I was inspired by her brilliance to write a Dan version in a similar style. shoutout to her for curing my writers block <3

You’ve always been a hit with the ladies, despite what Tabitha says.

Lizzy’s your first proper crush, and it hurts to hear her giggle into Tabitha’s ear as she takes all too much joy in telling you she doesn’t fancy you. And never will. That last bit just seems unnecessary.

You find that you hate Tabitha a bit more, though, because Lizzy is her best friend. You might’ve settled for that if Lizzy didn’t  _like you_ like you, but that position is already filled.

x

Your mum jokes about you being some kind of “lady killer”, and that doesn’t seem right, because you’ve never killed anyone.

“No, Dan, it’s just an expression,” she tells you. “It means that girls like you.”

“Oh,” you say, and you’re not sure what she means by that. You like girls. They’re softer than boys. They wear pretty skirts and flowers in their hair sometimes and you find that you like spending time with them more than boys.

Some of the boys snigger when they see you at the playground with “the girls”, as though they’re a club, and you’re a girl too because you play with them. You wrinkle your nose.

“I’m not a girl,” you say defiantly. Ryan crosses his arms.

“Then come play with the  _boys._ ”

 x

You’ve seen ‘spin the bottle’ played on tv shows, but you didn’t really think people played it. You’d much prefer to play hide and seek, where you hide and nobody seeks, because when you give it a go, the bottle lands on Alex.

“Go on then,” Ryan says, giving you a hearty pat on the shoulder. You hate him, but you kind of like Alex.

She looks nervous, and it’s only then that you realize that you are too. How does kissing actually work? You know there are lips involved, and tongues, but where do your teeth go?

 You don’t have time to wonder, because her mouth is against your mouth so you just start moving it around, and then you remember the tongue thing, so you stick yours out and lick, and it doesn’t feel as nice as everyone seems to tell you it will.

The room is totally silent, and you feel like it’s over but you feel too awkward to stop now, so Alex pulls away first.

The room is still silent, and your cheeks are on fire in the worst way, but Alex doesn’t look too put off, so you think maybe you’d like to try that again.

x

Alex never gives you the chance to, so you’re thinking that Anna might be a better choice. She’s cool - like  _really_ cool - so you wait until your first date to try.

She smiles at your jokes, her eyes focused on the blade of grass she’s ripping out of the ground and setting on your knee.

“I’m glad Katie told me to go out with you,” she tells you. You’re not sure what to say to that, but when you do speak the words come out all wrong, because you’re supposed to be playing it cool.

“Do you always do what Katie says?”  _Dammit,_ you think.

“No. But she’s my best friend.” Anna looks up at you. “You always listen to a best friend’s advice.”

“Yeah,” you agree, although you don’t quite know what that feels like. Who needs a best friend when you’ve got a girlfriend, right? At least, you think she’s your girlfriend - but probably not until you’ve kissed her. Or asked.

Your heart races when you ask and she accepts, and you think that now is  _definitely_ the moment, as she’s closing her eyes and leaning towards you.

It’s frantic but slow, and you think that this is the moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life - to kiss a girl who likes you. It’s already much better than last time when a strong, bitter taste hits your tongue.

Cigarettes.

You think that girls that taste like cigarette smoke are better left in books and weird rock songs.

x

You practically leap with joy when Ryan switches schools just before GCSE’s, because you can finally relax in your friend group. You’re closer with the girls, but there’s about an even mix. Chris is your closest male friend, which is quite odd, as you’re not even that close. Most guys you know have a guy best friend too, but they’re all already paired up. Partnered projects are a nightmare.

“Are you gay?” he asks you one day when you’re people-watching at lunchtime. It’s just the two of you today, but the question sounds like it’s coming from all around you.

“No,” you say defensively. “The hell’d you get that idea from?”

“I dunno,” he says, suddenly very interested in his sandwich. “I think it’s the hair.”

Your eyes glance up, as though you could see the homosexuality that’s evidently seeping from your scalp. Chris has basically the same haircut as you, but you don’t point it out.

“No,” you repeat - although the thought has crept into your mind more than once. In your brain, attractive people are attractive no matter their gender. But you like girls. That makes you straight.

“Are you sure?” he presses on.

“I dunno, why do you care?” You wonder why anyone cares, really.

“That’s something a gaylord would say,” Chris says, snorting as though it’s supposed to be a joke.

“That’s something an arsehole would say,” you retort.

Chris is silent for a few moments, chewing contemplatively.

“Would you make out with me if I asked?”

“Oh my god,” you groan. His projection is getting all over you, and it’s getting annoying. The mental image that paints in your mind is probably exceedingly homosexual, but he doesn’t need to know that.

Chris also doesn’t need to know that sometimes you get off to gay porn - you clear that right off your web history the second you’re done. You like to put yourself in one of the actor’s shoes, and it’s easy to do with any guy, no matter who they’re having sex with. Straight porn is a bit much for you - the girls really don’t look like they like it. But the guys, they go wild.

x

Being drunk is weird. There’s present and somewhat annoying haze settling in your brain, as though it’s been sunk into a hot bath. You can’t form linear thoughts, and it takes you way too long to realize that Chris is speaking to you. You roll your head against the wall to face him.

“S’rry mate,” you say. “What?”

“I asked -” he hiccups, and you snort. “Why you keep looking at Pete.”

“He’s pretty,” you say, turning to look at the boy in question. You’re sat down with Chris against the wall, and Pete’s clear across the room, beer in hand and Katie on his arm. Yeah, maybe you’ve been staring. So what.

“That’s gay,” Chris says. You don’t have the brain capacity to get annoyed.

“I’m not gay,” is all you say, and Chris doesn’t have the facial control to look unconvinced, but you know the look he’s going for. “What? You’re gay.”

“I’m not gay, you’re gay.”

“I didn’t ask another dude to make out with me." 

"Would you though?”

“Shut up.”

You never quite work out if he was serious or not.

x

Pete and Katie break up, and you try not to be happy about it. You wonder if Katie still keeps in contact with Anna. They were best friends a while back.

“She wanted to see other people,” Pete tells you, staring down at your carpet. You were paired up for this dumb science project, since everyone else was already taken. Seems fitting.

“Sorry,” you say, mostly for the way you can’t stop staring and won’t forgive yourself for it. Pete’s got curly hair and blue, blue eyes that make your insides go a bit funny. Only it’s not funny at all, because you’re not  _gay._ You like  _girls._

“Yeah,” Pete sighs, and resumes gluing things onto the poster. You think you might invite him over when the project’s done. You could use a really good friend.

x

Your mum trusts you to be at home alone with boys, so she doesn’t bat an eye when you tell her that Pete’s coming over after school.

“Have fun, then,” she tells you when you leave that morning. She wasn’t so lax about Rebecca.

Film watching is a casual thing that friends do. So is snuggling. So is placing a hand on the other’s knee. Pete considers you a friend.

“Hey, Dan?” Pete asks you, about halfway through the film. You’ve seen it a million times, so it doesn’t matter that you were only paying attention to him.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, and your stomach does a funny little flip. You can hear Chris’s voice in your head.

“That’s gay.” You don’t mean to say it aloud, and you’re going to punch Chris in the nuts next time you see him. But he’d probably call that gay too.

Luckily, Pete laughs. “You could say that, yeah.” His smile is still soft, and so are his lips, or at least they look like it.

“Yeah. Yeah - you can.”

Pete’s a better kisser than any girl you’ve kissed, and his hands roam across your torso - strong but curious. Girls have touched you much more gently. You think that maybe they’re both nice, in their own right.

Katie takes Pete back the following week, and you decide that rejection hurts the same from everyone.

x

You decide to chalk that up as your Big Gay Experiment, because when you fall in love with Cara, you’re sure you’ll never feel like this again. Surely nothing and no one else could have you under such a spell - you’re happy and excited to see her all the time and she makes your life better just by being in it. She listens to you and understands you and nothing makes you disbelieve your MSN username like she does, because you feel like everything’s on fire all the damn time, and you’re fine with it.

She touches you softer than anyone ever has - slips fingers into your hair but doesn’t pull, cups your face in her hands when you pull her aside for a quick snog between classes, uses your chest as a pillow when she’s sure her parents won’t come in her room for a while. She’s softness but she’s also heat, and you wish you could write better poetry than that, but she giggles and folds the paper up and puts it in her pocket.

“It’s perfect,” she says, and she stands on her tiptoes to kiss you goodbye for the day, and you know no one else could make you feel like this.

x

For three years, Cara knows you better than anyone else does. Her best friend Lydia knows that too.

She’s usually as eager for sex as you are, but you know that your time has run out when she doesn’t want to have sex with you in  _Paris._ You’re sure that’s got to be a sign. You planned this trip to be romantic, but by the end of it, you know it’s your last hurrah. She’s going to Uni here, and you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers against your mouth before she kisses you, gently and fleetingly.

It feels like a goddamn sad romantic film, but you don’t know what else to do or say. You feel a hole eating away at your chest, as though her love is clawing its way out of your heart.

Yeah, it’s definitely a fucking stupid romantic film.

The last time you see her before she goes to Uni, every cell in your body aches, because you know it’s over and that’s probably for the best, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be miserable about it. Or miss her already.

x

Getting over Cara isn’t easy, especially when you find yourself looking for potential partners out of desperation, and catch yourself not sorting by gender. Attractive people are attractive.

And there’s plenty of them on the internet, that’s for damn sure. You spend most of your free time trying to transform yourself into those cool myspace guys with the jet-black fringes and snake bites, although your mum unceremoniously forbids you from getting them when you mention it.

AmazingPhil is different. He looks like one of the myspace guys when he’s trying to look intense, but the second he opens his mouth, a veritable waterfall of weird comes out. And you love every moment of it. AmazingPhil is a source of comfort for you, in a way.

His voice is deep and soothing, and you sometimes fantasize about what it’d be like to be his friend. So you give it a try.

You’re knocked back on your arse when it works.

x

You’ve been playing with the “bi” label for a while now, and at first it fits like a new pair of wellies: rigid and shiny and you’re wondering why you even bothered when normal shoes work just fine even when it’s raining, and why you’re bothering with the poetry again because you can’t work your way around a metaphor to save your life. At least not yet.

You crumple the paper in your fist and miss the bin on the first try, but before you can garner the motivation to go pick it up, you’re googling  _bisexual._

You spend hours and hours searching through wikipedia, LGBT websites, fanfiction, and even wind up in a few dodgy chatrooms. xXKayla_1992Xx seems to know how you feel. 

And it seems to stick for a while, seems to encompass your tryst with Pete, although you learn that sexuality is fluid and changing, and maybe you were straight before, but you’re not now. You don’t think you ever were, but that hardly matters. You mostly just want an explanation for how you feel about Phil.

You’re attracted to him, sure - in nearly every capacity. But you feel as though it runs deeper. You haven’t felt this brand of special since Cara. That wasn’t that long ago, you remind yourself, but it feels like it. It feels like Phil’s snuck his way into a space you didn’t know was available in your life.

 _I want to see you,_ you text him on a whim, and although it’s a risk you don’t feel like he’s going to react negatively. You watch your phone anyway.

 _Okay. I’d like that. :] xx_ he answers. He picked up the bracket smiley-face thing from you, and you know it.

You discuss train tickets and dates, and you ask if he’s sure he wants to do this.

“Yeah,” he breathes out a yawn, because you transferred to a phone call hours ago and he said he was tired but he’s still here. “I’d like to meet my best friend.”

“Me too,” you say. Phil tells you to get some rest, and you always take a best friend’s advice to heart. You don’t expect to sleep very well, but in a good way. 

x

Phil’s the exact cross section of how he’s appeared in video, in text, in calls, and over Skype. Every bit as beautiful and weird and soft. You catch yourself staring a lot, but Phil doesn’t mind. At first he giggles and messes with his hair, but by the end of the day, he’s grinning back.

“Are there magnets in your eyes?” he asks.

“No?” you answer. “Should there be?”

“Maybe,” he says, and you try not to look as puzzled as you are.

“I don’t think that’s medically safe.”

“Right,” he says, laughing. “Was trying to think of a way to ask why you keep looking at me, but it came out weird.”

“Right,” you say, and you feel your cheeks go red, but you keep going. “Maybe I’m trying to figure out how your thoughts go from A to S instead of A to B.”

Phil shrugs. “My mum’s always said I’m a strange one.”

“Tell her thank you,” you say, and Phil’s answering smile makes your knees go weak.  _That’s gay_ , you hear Chris’s voice in your head.  _That’s bi,_ you retort mentally.  _And it’s none of your damn business._

x

You’ve always been the one to make the first move in relationships, but your body seems to do it of its own accord on the big wheel, because you just can’t fight it anymore and you need to kiss Phil  _now._ And you’re not quite sure you’re in a relationship. But it feels like Something.

It’s new but that’s not why it’s exciting, and you feel the fire blooming in your chest when Phil’s mouth softens against yours - once, twice, and then he lets out a breathy laugh.

“Sorry,” you say quickly. “I’m still trying to figure things out, but I really like you, and I’m really sure of that. So. Um. Yeah.”

You don’t know how or why you’re so blunt with him without trying, without a second thought. It all just comes pouring out, and the word for it hits you when Phil slips a hand onto your knee and squeezes: trust.

“I really like you, too, Dan,” he tells you, and your name sounds so much better in his voice. It sounds safe in his mouth. You want it breathed into the crook of your neck, you want to know what it sounds like totally wrecked. You want to know where all of this is coming from, but the answer’s right in front of you.

“Good,” you tell him.

“Good,” he agrees.


End file.
